1. Invalidation on my feelings.
2. Criticism on my appearance or looks
3. Control freaks
So I’m glad honking about dynamics and what kills sex between people. Stick with me while I lay my thought process out.
The best of times: We’re individuals with our own very unique desires, turn ons, experiences. You meet someone and there’s a perfect synergy. Yin Yang energy.
There’s also respect. A respect for your partner’s preferences. To give and please without judgements. To want them to have the best experience possible. And to genuinely be all in, selflessly.
Okay hats magical and powerful stuff.
Jackie’s got a thing for being asked out on a date by her guy. She loves that male energy from him. It gets her right into her very best feminine. Let the fore play and fantasizing begin, baby. Pre-hashing, primping, planning. Fantasizing. Add a shot of rehashing when it’s all over. That’s her need. That’s it. That’s her big fantasy. She’s clear on her need. And it starts with a very simple: ‘When are you free?’
So what do you think it does to Jackie when she tells her guy she really needs those dates and she is told she should ask for them if she wants them, That he finds them insulting as if he has to have an appointment.
I’ve always felt like a relationship works best when people are heard. Not listened to….but really heard.
What happens when you’re heard is, the other person knows what to give you. What you need. You are connected. Everything good comes from feeling heard and understood. When it’s mutual between two people, it’s magical.
Being listened to is an entirely different thing. When you’re listened to, the speaker’s intention gets jumbled up with the listener’s built in thoughts about it, judgements/dislikes/attitude/baggage. Or maybe it goes in one ear and out the other. Either way, it is no longer authentic and pure in meaning.
I want to introduce you to Jackie and TJ. They’re the couple I’m going to use in examples here. You can make up their looks age, genders , races and etc, however you’d like. It doesn’t matter.
Jackie loves being asked on a ‘date’ by her significant other, TJ. She’s told him this, several times. Jackie loves that kind of male energy. She explained that having it to plan for, primp for and fantasize for is a turn on to her. The mental foreplay leading up to it with sexting, flirting, pre-hashing.
Jackie only gets her ‘date’ if she asks TJ for one. She’s asked why that is and learns it’s because he sees it has having to make an appointment just to get time with her.
Her turn on is insulting to him. Did he hear her? He did not.
So with this disconnect, let’s add in a ‘problem’.
Jackie asks TJ on a date, The night before, early evening, she texts him to start a little fore play going. There’s no response that night.
The next morning there is one. ‘Sorry I forgot to answer. I was driving when you sent it’ . He was out with his girl friends, bar hopping. Went to bed with no reply.
Jackie was hurt by this and was honest about it. She was told she is being ridiculous. Then she was told to let it go.
Was there any hearing going on?
The natural evolution with solely listening rots miserably to: listening for the ability to react/respond/prove a point/selfishness. Who is right. Who was wronged.
The difference between hearing and listening boils down to this:
Hearing is me saying I love doing x and you absorbing it. Appreciating it. It is pure and authentic intention.
Listening is me saying I love doing ‘X’ and you interjecting your own internal commentary, while considering it. It becomes about you and not the speaker.
And that’s all I’ve got on this topic.
So if I strip away everything and get to the center of things…..
Who am I?
What’s underneath it all? Under the baggage, the unhappiness, the victimy stuff, the pride?